As the Semester Ends, the Work Begins

It's hard to believe that I have all but finished my first semester of graduate school. I have no more face-to-face class sessions and must now spend the next two-three weeks writing papers and book chapters. As I'm writing all these papers (more like brainstorming and trying to fight writers block) I get to look back on everything I have learned this semester.

It's funny because upon entering grad school I really had no expectations for what it would be like. I had hear things like you'll never get less than a B. The structure of the classes are a lot different because the professors like teaching and everyone who is there wants to be there. Also I wasn't sure how to feel about being in such a small program and cohort. My cohort has about 24 students and we will all traverse this grad school experience together all the way through until graduation. Everything you learn is important. And everything you learn needs to be retained for Comps next fall.

It's interesting to see how far things have come from several months ago when I was not in a very good place upon starting this program. But I have sense found myself again and I feel invigorated and even more ambitious then ever before. The possibilities are endless! When one door closes, another opens. And so far, I am enjoying everything God is showing me.

:)

Oh, Well Hello Adulthood

Over the weekend I had two former classmates get engaged. They weren't the first of my friends to get engaged but their news popped up on my facebook timeline at about the same time so I took notice. My initial reaction was, "aww how cute". And then I started flipping through pictures to see the ring and wishing them well via a wall post. And then it began to dawn on me, this is real life. This is adulthood.

Now of course I know that I'm an adult. I've graduated from undergrad and I'm now pursuing my master's degree. But being in school almost isolates you from the real world. Especially since I have literally been in school for the past 17 years. Wow. That's a really long time when I say it like that. Sheesh. Anyways. Although I'm an "adult," I'm still heavily supported by my parents, attend classes two days a week, and have upgraded from a student assistant position to a graduate assistant. Which means I make a couple more dollars an hour, but they throw in healthcare and a tuition stipend as well. But when I saw my friends engagement posts it really hit me. My classmates have full-time jobs now. They're pursuing their careers. They're paying taxes, getting married and changing their last names. Supporting their spouses and starting families. When did this happen?!?

Due to the fact that I've stayed in my "academic bubble" and none of my close friends have gotten married, I have been able to live in this stage of denial. But now that people close to me are starting to take the big leap to adulthood it's starting to make me anxious. Happy for them of course, but anxious for what the future holds. What will I do when I graduate in two years? Where will I be? What will life be like? God willing I'm still alive to see that time.

Sometimes I just wish I could get a sneak peek on the future. Mainly because I'm a control freak, I've come to realize. Yet, even though I would love to plan out where I will be in the next 3 years, due to prior experience in trying to get too far ahead of myself, I have come to realize that no matter how much I try to plan things out, God always has the final say. Always. And as frustrating as it may be, which it really is, all I can do is pray, wait and see.

Act Now, Regret Later?

So I have somewhat tried to live by the saying of, "When your life flashes before your eyes, make sure it's something worth watching." It's in my little blurb box on my Facebook page, and I think about it before I do something stupid as a way of justifying it. Somehow today I started thinking about the chat that's going to happen when I meet my maker. Or I guess the person that reads out my offenses and decides if my lifetime in eternity is going to be pleasant and enjoyable or Hell basically. I can see it now. The massive book they will pull out with pages filled with all of my sins. And the person asking me why I continued to keep messing up even when I knew it was wrong.

But even when I say that it doesn't deter me from the fact that I know I'm going to sin many times over the next month. And I don't mean little sins like taking a jolly rancher from someone without asking. Or maybe even giving cursing someone out when they cut you off on your way to work. No I mean the big sins. Which leads me to I guess the heart of this post as to why some people are so hypocritical as to which commandments or orders by God they choose to follow. Case in point, homosexuality. People constantly cite the Bible saying how homosexuality is a sin and anyone who is homosexual is going straight to hell. Yet those same people will then turn around and have all the premarital sex their bodies can handle. What gives? Do you think that just because you ask for forgiveness that it goes away? Yes it will be forgiven, but don't be surprised when all of your little indiscretions pop up in that book come judgement day. And be prepared to have a good answer when they ask why you sinned the first time and continued to sin.

Treading Water

So about this Grad School thing. Yea. I have begun to accept that by agreeing to go to graduate school (or at least this program) I have agreed to sign away my life and all of the fun I used to have for the next year and some change. This past weekend my Dad and Uncle came into town to bring me some stuff for my apartment and we spent a day at Universal Studios. The sad thing is that I couldn't even enjoy it because I was too busy thinking about how I was going to catch up on all of the precious reading time I was losing.

This is a far cry different from how things were this time a year ago. Even a few months ago. Family always came first. And not to say that my family still doesn't come first but things have certainly changed. It's only the 4th week of class and I am already just treading water trying to stay afloat and on top of my reading. And counting down until the end of the semester. It's even more difficult when I see my friends status updates about how much fun they're having in Austin or all of the things that they are doing and all of the FREE TIME that they have on their hands. I miss those days. I know that I shouldn't be complaining because in the end this degree will be worth it. But gosh I miss free time.

22, please be good to me.

So yesterday while I was chatting with my Dad on facebook I noticed on my newsfeed it was one of my "friends" birthday. I didn't write anything, but facebook has this new contraption where whenever someone has a birthday and mutual friends right on their wall then it shows up at the top. Anywho, that is not what I want to write about. It was her post that status that caught my attention. It said, "21 was a great year, I know 22 will be even better." Now she's not the first of my friends to post a status like this but now that I've been 22 for a little over a month now, I thought about my 21st year. And you know what? It was absolutely terrible.

I should have known that my 21st year wasn't going to be a good one by the way it started out. Actually, I think subconsciously I knew, but was in denial. So let's start with the low points and then hopefully end on a positive note.

So the lows started when half of my so-called friends that said they were going to come out for my birthday didn't. And honestly I still haven't really let it go, obviously. But I greatly appreciate my friends that did. :) Then my birthday night happened and my bf at the time tried to leave and go home which pissed me off, then later on the next day we got into another tiff and needless to say our relationship ended that weekend. Fast forward a few months and I was denied from TFA, denied from 3 of the grad schools I applied to except for one. Got stranded at the Philly airport and had to drive 5 hours to one of the grad school interviews, that later rejected me and then  my mom, got deployed.

Now the positives. I met a really great guy who I thought was the love of my life. I got into grad school. I graduated from undergrad. I studied abroad in London and even got to spend a weekend in Paris visiting a friend. And  I turned 22. Not super excited about being 22, but blessed to see another year.

Now since I've been 22, I've been dumped and had to deal with being in a new place without his emotional support. But I'm still alive! And I got a graduate assistantship, I got to go backstage at a concert, I enjoy my classes so far, and I have a pretty cool mentor. Needless to say it's been ok.

There were a lot of great things that happened in the past year, but unfortunately the bad things seem to outweigh the good ones. So now that I only have 11 more months to be 22 I am pretty much begging that 22 be a little bit more kind than 21.

I'm Not Ok.

So last night while making a trip to the grocery store, I found my self in the fruits and veggies section crying my eyes out as I was deciding between nectarines and peaches. I'd realized that I had put on a brave face over my recent move and break-up and as opposed to properly dealing with it, I tried to run from it, literally.

Every morning I wake up, take my dog out and then go for a run. The crappier I feel in the morning the longer I run. Then I come home, take a shower, run any errands I have, and then read while watching some movie and then fall asleep and repeat the same thing the next day. But for some reason I was bombarded by feelings of loneliness and abandonment. The fact that I really am alone out here, in this strange city, and about to get my butt kicked by grad school. While having my breakdown I was having two separate conversations with some girlfriends. One was telling me to enjoy the alone time and how much she enjoyed her alone time. I very much enjoy alone time, but I think it's the fact that if I wanted to go and see a movie or grab dinner with someone, I would have no one to call.

I know I'm not the only person to move to a completely new city (not including for undergraduate college) and not know anyone. And I know that when I graduate from here, I will be doing it again. So if I can't handle it now, how will I handle it in 2 years. To make matters worse, it doesn't help when I see all of my old friends out and about having fun with each other back in Texas or Virginia. It makes me wonder why I left my friends and support system behind. But that is exactly why I left those places.

I chose to go to an out-of-state school for Undergrad because I wanted to branch out and meet new people. I was afraid that if I stayed in VA, that my college friends would have also been my high school friends. And the reason why I chose to leave Texas is because I again wanted to get out and do something new. It's easy to get trapped in a place. I mean UT is a great school, I had great friends, I knew the area very well, and I loved the city. The longer I stayed there the more comfortable I would have become and not wanted to move. Not that there is anything wrong with TX, but I am an East Coast girl.

So hear I am, in FL, trying to start the next chapter of my life but I'm being held back by my own apprehensions and fears. So what do I do. Well, first off I have decided to admit to myself that I am scared shitless and that I am not ok. But I also know that as with most things, it will get better with time. So although I am not ok at the moment, I know that eventually I will be.

And So It Begins...

So after much anticipation and eagerness, I have begun my grad school journey. All day today I was pacing and trying to pass the time until my very first class. It didn't help that the class doesn't start until 6p so I had a lot of time on my hands.

It felt like my very first day of high school. I don't think my first day of college was as nerve-racking. But I could not keep from wondering what it would be like. Would the professor lecture the entire time? Would my classmates be a bunch of scholarly professionals? Would the professor lay down the law at the beginning of class setting the tone for the semester? What should I wear? Instead I walked into the classroom and felt like I was back in undergrad. Not back in freshman year undergrad, but upper division undergrad where many of the people in my class were in their mid to late 20s and there were even a few grandmothers, literally! But Instead I felt like I was in another upper division Communications course.

It was a relief to see that not much is different, but I'm sure I will be eating my words tomorrow when I embark on my History course.