Oh, Well Hello Adulthood

Over the weekend I had two former classmates get engaged. They weren't the first of my friends to get engaged but their news popped up on my facebook timeline at about the same time so I took notice. My initial reaction was, "aww how cute". And then I started flipping through pictures to see the ring and wishing them well via a wall post. And then it began to dawn on me, this is real life. This is adulthood.

Now of course I know that I'm an adult. I've graduated from undergrad and I'm now pursuing my master's degree. But being in school almost isolates you from the real world. Especially since I have literally been in school for the past 17 years. Wow. That's a really long time when I say it like that. Sheesh. Anyways. Although I'm an "adult," I'm still heavily supported by my parents, attend classes two days a week, and have upgraded from a student assistant position to a graduate assistant. Which means I make a couple more dollars an hour, but they throw in healthcare and a tuition stipend as well. But when I saw my friends engagement posts it really hit me. My classmates have full-time jobs now. They're pursuing their careers. They're paying taxes, getting married and changing their last names. Supporting their spouses and starting families. When did this happen?!?

Due to the fact that I've stayed in my "academic bubble" and none of my close friends have gotten married, I have been able to live in this stage of denial. But now that people close to me are starting to take the big leap to adulthood it's starting to make me anxious. Happy for them of course, but anxious for what the future holds. What will I do when I graduate in two years? Where will I be? What will life be like? God willing I'm still alive to see that time.

Sometimes I just wish I could get a sneak peek on the future. Mainly because I'm a control freak, I've come to realize. Yet, even though I would love to plan out where I will be in the next 3 years, due to prior experience in trying to get too far ahead of myself, I have come to realize that no matter how much I try to plan things out, God always has the final say. Always. And as frustrating as it may be, which it really is, all I can do is pray, wait and see.

Standards of Beauty

Is the Black woman considered beautiful and desireable anymore?

While flipping through channels, I landed on Las Vegas. I'd heard of the show but never watched it. One of the main characters is a Black man who married a Brown woman one drunken night. Granted the circumstances weren't idea and she was quite beautiful, it got me thinking. Will there be a time when Black women will be fated to be single for all of their lives. 

With the exception of my Dad and a few of my Uncles, the men in my familly and many of my male friends seem to have a case of jungle fever. I don't have a problem with interracial dating but I will be the first to admit that I do get annoyed and somewhat disappointed whenever I see a Black man walking down the street with his non-Black partner. And apparently a lot of it has to do with their preferences in women. Light skinned, long hair, light eyes. AkA Not Black. Now there are a few Black women who do look like this, but maybe I should emphasize A FEW. It just makes it harder on the rest of us Black Women to try to live up to these ideals.

Why is your hair so short? Oh I don't know. Maybe my hair wasn't designd to go all down my back, or maybe I like short hair. Why don't you wear color contacts? You'd be real pretty with lighter eyes. Well maybe I like my eye color and don't think I should have to go around deceiving people in order to be more attractive. 

And I won't even begin to get into body ideals. 

I guess my main point is, just be real. If the ideal woman you're describing sounds like a white girl. It's probably a white girl. Don't say you like black women and then make all these stipulations. I mean it's good to have standards, but come on. 

That's all I have for now. 

In Retrospect

Today it was supposed to storm. So I did what I normally do when it rains, got some food, got into bed, and tuned into the weather channel. While listening to the thunder I started to think about what the plan for graduation was if it rained. I meant to go to the UT website and look it up but instead I got lost in my own thoughts. Graduation. At this time next year I would be a UT alum. Huh? When did this happen?

Last night, while out at a friends house chatting with one of the girls, she asked me what I was going to do when I graduated. This question has slowly become one of my pet peeves over the years. My reply was always the same. “I don’t know, I have some time to think about it.” But last night was different. Instead of being annoyed by the question, I began to ask myself the same thing. “What are you planning on doing, Tava.”

I’ve never been one to really like to plan things far in advance simply because things come up that can alter plans. Instead I prefer to play it by ear. But can you really play your future by ear? I began to think of all of my friends. Each of them have a life or career goal post college ranging from non-profit social justice work to medical school. And they are all extremely driven. I began to ask myself, where’s my drive? Where’s my passion?

These two questions have been on my mind for quite some time now. But it’s not that I lack the drive or the passion. I lack the courage. 

While at school, I’ve had the opportunity to be involved in a variety of things. Black organizations, women’s organizations, religious organizations, progressive organizations, and LGBTQ organizations. Each very much important to me, but very different from each other. One of my friends asked me why I never had parties or invite all of my friends over. I told him that it was because each of my friends were very different and to have them all over would seem more like an awkward social experiment than a party. 

After I made this comment, I started to wonder why I was so reluctant to have a gathering where all of my friends interacted? It was fear. The fear of having do defend and own up to all of my identities. The fear of losing some of my friends because of it. And then I came across a quote by bell hooks, “I will not have my life narrowed down. I will not bow down to somebody else’s whim or to someone else’s ignorance.” 

Everything I’m involved in, I do because I’m passionate about it. And while I don’t know what I plan to do in the future or even tomorrow for that matter, I do know who I am. I’m black, I’m a woman, a feminist, an ally, and an activist. And I know with God’s guiding hand I will find my purpose.