I'm Not Ok.

So last night while making a trip to the grocery store, I found my self in the fruits and veggies section crying my eyes out as I was deciding between nectarines and peaches. I'd realized that I had put on a brave face over my recent move and break-up and as opposed to properly dealing with it, I tried to run from it, literally.

Every morning I wake up, take my dog out and then go for a run. The crappier I feel in the morning the longer I run. Then I come home, take a shower, run any errands I have, and then read while watching some movie and then fall asleep and repeat the same thing the next day. But for some reason I was bombarded by feelings of loneliness and abandonment. The fact that I really am alone out here, in this strange city, and about to get my butt kicked by grad school. While having my breakdown I was having two separate conversations with some girlfriends. One was telling me to enjoy the alone time and how much she enjoyed her alone time. I very much enjoy alone time, but I think it's the fact that if I wanted to go and see a movie or grab dinner with someone, I would have no one to call.

I know I'm not the only person to move to a completely new city (not including for undergraduate college) and not know anyone. And I know that when I graduate from here, I will be doing it again. So if I can't handle it now, how will I handle it in 2 years. To make matters worse, it doesn't help when I see all of my old friends out and about having fun with each other back in Texas or Virginia. It makes me wonder why I left my friends and support system behind. But that is exactly why I left those places.

I chose to go to an out-of-state school for Undergrad because I wanted to branch out and meet new people. I was afraid that if I stayed in VA, that my college friends would have also been my high school friends. And the reason why I chose to leave Texas is because I again wanted to get out and do something new. It's easy to get trapped in a place. I mean UT is a great school, I had great friends, I knew the area very well, and I loved the city. The longer I stayed there the more comfortable I would have become and not wanted to move. Not that there is anything wrong with TX, but I am an East Coast girl.

So hear I am, in FL, trying to start the next chapter of my life but I'm being held back by my own apprehensions and fears. So what do I do. Well, first off I have decided to admit to myself that I am scared shitless and that I am not ok. But I also know that as with most things, it will get better with time. So although I am not ok at the moment, I know that eventually I will be.

And So It Begins...

So after much anticipation and eagerness, I have begun my grad school journey. All day today I was pacing and trying to pass the time until my very first class. It didn't help that the class doesn't start until 6p so I had a lot of time on my hands.

It felt like my very first day of high school. I don't think my first day of college was as nerve-racking. But I could not keep from wondering what it would be like. Would the professor lecture the entire time? Would my classmates be a bunch of scholarly professionals? Would the professor lay down the law at the beginning of class setting the tone for the semester? What should I wear? Instead I walked into the classroom and felt like I was back in undergrad. Not back in freshman year undergrad, but upper division undergrad where many of the people in my class were in their mid to late 20s and there were even a few grandmothers, literally! But Instead I felt like I was in another upper division Communications course.

It was a relief to see that not much is different, but I'm sure I will be eating my words tomorrow when I embark on my History course.

Validation

So today I had two separate chat conversations with friends about life. They both seemed to marvel at the fact that I moved out to FL on my own for grad school. Once again, I always seem to forget how things that seem little and unimpressive to me, really are impressive. Not the act of going to graduate school, but the act of moving halfway across the country for it. And driving by myself, none the less. It just reminded me what an awesome person I am.

Everyone is an awesome person in their own right and sometimes we're so busy living life that we forget to stop and take notice. So in addition to starting every day dancing in front of my member and reminding myself of everything I like about my life, I will also be reminding myself of how awesome I am. This routine will become increasingly important as I embark on the next chapter of my life, grad school.

This blog was initially meant to be about my journey through grad school but has slowly evolved into an almost tell-all. However, as my last free weekend before grad school starts I am finally starting to realize what it is that I am getting myself into. I had orientation earlier this week, and when I walked into the room I felt like I was walking into a staff meeting that I wasn't supposed to be in. Granted, the orientation was for both Doctoral and Masters students, with the majority being Doctoral, I quickly realized that this was not going to be like Undergrad. I knew that it would not be like undergrad and that I would probably be the youngest person in my cohort, but you don't believe it until you see it. In any case, I have been acting current and former grad students what to expect, as well as searching relevant forums. The gist seems to be to not let it stress me out, to make sure I set aside time for a social life, to get to know my cohort and faculty members well and to enjoy it.

I am actually really excited about being a graduate student. And although I know my innocent and naïve illusions of how much fun it will be will probably be crushed within the first few weeks, I'm going to enjoy this feeling while it lasts and remember it when I reach the point in the semester when I begin to ask myself what the hell I was thinking.

Reflecting...yet again.

If u find urself in a place u've been before, ask urself "What is Life trying 2 teach me that I missed the 1st time?" #TheSW

This quote was tweeted by the Single Woman and I found it particularly interesting. Since I am newly single, I decided to follow the single woman for daily words of encouragement. It's funny because I haven't been truly single for a couple of years. Whenever one of my relationships end I somehow either find myself in another relationship or was already drifting towards another relationship. Emotionally cheating if you will, which is the worst kind of cheating. (Damn, just realized I was emotional cheater as I wrote that. Separate post to come on that subject).

In any case, as I mentioned in my previous blog, distance was the reason for the demise of my relationship. And when I saw that tweet by the SW I wondered what life was trying to teach me. Just about every relationship I have been in has been a long distance one at some point. Every. Single. One. Which makes me wonder why I continue to find my self in LDRs. Am I running from commitment and so I move away from relationships or do I just have the worst possible luck with finding someone in my own area. Take my last relationship for example. He was in the same city as me and it was great because we were able to see each other everyday. However, I was in my last semester of undergrad and applying to graduate schools. I had no intentions of staying in Texas after I graduated and planned on moving to the East Coast and didn't apply to any schools in TX or near TX for that matter. And of course as the relationship grew more serious I began to regret that decision. But hey, life is cruel and evil and sometimes has terrible timing.

My Ex before that lived two hours away and our relationship ultimately ended because I didn't want to move to where he lived. As far as I was concerned, from a job and school prospect, there was nothing there for me to do so it would not have been a good move. So here I am, in a place I've been before wondering how I managed to find my way here yet again. And honestly, I have no idea.

New Beginnings

So this blog post was going to be somewhat depressing due to the fact that I am now newly single. But this morning I logged onto facebook and saw a video that completely changed my attitude. It's a video of a girl that is standing and dancing in front of a mirror talking about all of the things that she loves about herself and her life. The concept was so simple but so profound.

So many times whenever things are going bad or not as well as we would have hoped we get into a funk and forget about all of the many blessings that we have. I am reminded of that as I go through this transition in my life. I couldn't imagine having gone through the past couple of days without my friends giving me words of encouragement and reminding me how awesome I am. :)

And while I brought it up, I may as well talk about it. Well my boyfriend and I ended our relationship. There were other factors to its end but it was mostly just the distance now that I am off in FL for grad school. I wasn't upset with him for ending things, but it was more so the idea that I wasn't the one. That I wasn't worth fighting for. And I don't believe that that was it, but it really was just the distance issue. I mean, being thousands of miles from someone for two years would be hard for anyone. And I am truly grateful that we ended things now as opposed to later on down the road.

So here I am now. Sitting in bed spending the day chatting with my friends, planning vacations, and preparing for the next chapter of my life. And I know that I will be ok. That simple video of the girl being so excited about everything she liked in her life inspired me. For the past few nights I have fallen asleep saying one simple prayer, God give me the strength. And he has and he will continue to do so.

:)

When hard work isn't enough

Relationships are work. I mean, they are a full time job. I have always heard this saying but it's always something that it difficult to conceptualize until you are in a relationship that is worth working hard for. But what happens when you're the only one working in a relationship?

It's always difficult to know when to throw in the towel. To know when your hard work is bordering on desperation. Every person is different as is every relationship. Putting in more effort in one relationship may show your partner that you truly care and are committed to making things work, while putting more effort in another may be pointless and a eye opener for you to show you that maybe your love has reached its end.

Yesterday I had two separate conversations with some girlfriends about their love lives. One had literally waited years for this guy to truly appreciate her only to have that all come crashing down to a halt when she emotionally confronted him about his inability to commit to either a friendship or relationship despite her constant support of him. The other faced herself being betrayed by an old love, and probably someone that she will love forever who is now secretly and supposedly dating a close friend.

This morning I was reading an article about how if if women want their relationship to last than they should let their men cheat. Or rather they should be open and give their man the freedom to cheat because that then gives the woman the power in the relationship. It is absolutely ridiculous to me that a woman will knowingly and I'm sure begrudgingly let her man cheat all for the sake of keeping power in the relationship.

Where does a woman draw the line between compromising to help make a relationship work and losing all sense of herself in the process...

T