Friendship

"Don't pity the girl with one true friend. Envy her. Pity the girl with just a thousand acquaintances." -Katie Obenchain

I came across this quote while I was in a bit of a funk, and I think it really describes my life. I've always had very few true friends (I like it that way). I think this has a lot to do with being a military child and watching my friends come and go every few years so I cherished the ones that were always there for me. Then after a really bad betrayal by one of my best friends in high school, I found myself having more acquaintences for some time because of the lack of trust I had for people. However since being in school I have since regained some very close friends who I consider my sisters, both of which I have known since middle school. But then I started thinking about the true friends that I had gained since being in college. At first I wasn't sure if I had any because I had found a way to isolate myself while being here. I'm not saying that I was a hermit and didn't talk to anyone on campus, I am involved in various orgs on campus, but I have managed to keep my personal life fairly hidden. I think a lot of this has to do with being an out-of-state student with the idea that I was only going to be here for four years and then I'd leave. That was my intention. But then I realized that I have made quite a few life long friends since I've been here. I'm not saying 20, 30, or even 40. Actually less than 10 who I would consider true, ride-or-die, hold my hair while I'm puking, bail me out of jail friends. And I like it that way. 

I like being able to call up Courtney right after class to make a trip to Pappadeaux's for crawfish or Jasmine at 2a to make an "emergency" trip. Or call Joe or Victoria crying about my latest relationship drama. Or have Sam carry me home because I have underestimated the effects of the screwdriver I drank. And I love the fact that I still have such an amazing friendship with my very first roommate Muneezeh and she can answer any question I have ranging from fashion to politics 

They have all been there for me when I needed them most and for that I am eternally grateful to have such QUALITY friends. 

Standards of Beauty

Is the Black woman considered beautiful and desireable anymore?

While flipping through channels, I landed on Las Vegas. I'd heard of the show but never watched it. One of the main characters is a Black man who married a Brown woman one drunken night. Granted the circumstances weren't idea and she was quite beautiful, it got me thinking. Will there be a time when Black women will be fated to be single for all of their lives. 

With the exception of my Dad and a few of my Uncles, the men in my familly and many of my male friends seem to have a case of jungle fever. I don't have a problem with interracial dating but I will be the first to admit that I do get annoyed and somewhat disappointed whenever I see a Black man walking down the street with his non-Black partner. And apparently a lot of it has to do with their preferences in women. Light skinned, long hair, light eyes. AkA Not Black. Now there are a few Black women who do look like this, but maybe I should emphasize A FEW. It just makes it harder on the rest of us Black Women to try to live up to these ideals.

Why is your hair so short? Oh I don't know. Maybe my hair wasn't designd to go all down my back, or maybe I like short hair. Why don't you wear color contacts? You'd be real pretty with lighter eyes. Well maybe I like my eye color and don't think I should have to go around deceiving people in order to be more attractive. 

And I won't even begin to get into body ideals. 

I guess my main point is, just be real. If the ideal woman you're describing sounds like a white girl. It's probably a white girl. Don't say you like black women and then make all these stipulations. I mean it's good to have standards, but come on. 

That's all I have for now. 

In Retrospect

Today it was supposed to storm. So I did what I normally do when it rains, got some food, got into bed, and tuned into the weather channel. While listening to the thunder I started to think about what the plan for graduation was if it rained. I meant to go to the UT website and look it up but instead I got lost in my own thoughts. Graduation. At this time next year I would be a UT alum. Huh? When did this happen?

Last night, while out at a friends house chatting with one of the girls, she asked me what I was going to do when I graduated. This question has slowly become one of my pet peeves over the years. My reply was always the same. “I don’t know, I have some time to think about it.” But last night was different. Instead of being annoyed by the question, I began to ask myself the same thing. “What are you planning on doing, Tava.”

I’ve never been one to really like to plan things far in advance simply because things come up that can alter plans. Instead I prefer to play it by ear. But can you really play your future by ear? I began to think of all of my friends. Each of them have a life or career goal post college ranging from non-profit social justice work to medical school. And they are all extremely driven. I began to ask myself, where’s my drive? Where’s my passion?

These two questions have been on my mind for quite some time now. But it’s not that I lack the drive or the passion. I lack the courage. 

While at school, I’ve had the opportunity to be involved in a variety of things. Black organizations, women’s organizations, religious organizations, progressive organizations, and LGBTQ organizations. Each very much important to me, but very different from each other. One of my friends asked me why I never had parties or invite all of my friends over. I told him that it was because each of my friends were very different and to have them all over would seem more like an awkward social experiment than a party. 

After I made this comment, I started to wonder why I was so reluctant to have a gathering where all of my friends interacted? It was fear. The fear of having do defend and own up to all of my identities. The fear of losing some of my friends because of it. And then I came across a quote by bell hooks, “I will not have my life narrowed down. I will not bow down to somebody else’s whim or to someone else’s ignorance.” 

Everything I’m involved in, I do because I’m passionate about it. And while I don’t know what I plan to do in the future or even tomorrow for that matter, I do know who I am. I’m black, I’m a woman, a feminist, an ally, and an activist. And I know with God’s guiding hand I will find my purpose.